--THE AMISH FARMER--
An old Amish farmer is walking through his field and notices a guy drinking from his pond.
The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen!"
(Roughly translated: "Don't drink the water -- the cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouts back: "I'm Muslim; I don't understand. Please speak English."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands -- you'll get more."
--THE BUDHIST MONK--
What did the Budhist monk say to the hot dog vender?
A: "Make me one with everything."
THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD?
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him -- he really didn't come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
TV EVANGELIZING (At its best)
Last week I experienced unexpected enjoyment while surfing the few TV stations I receive out here in the country. I was a bit down in the dumps, it being a Monday that didn't go very well, so, in lieu of putting a movie on, I checked out the channels I receive (of five channels, two were religious).
Channel 47 (from Monroeville near Pittsburgh) was having a telethon to raise one million bucks in ten days. It was so disgusting I decided to become a player: I called in:
TV- How can we help you?
Me- Oh . . . I want to help you!
TV- Praise the Lord! What do you wish to pledge tonight?
Me- I want to give everything I have to your ministry and follow the Lord.
TV- Well, I don't know. . . How much would that be?
Me- Let's see, I have savings, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, real estate. . . I want to give it all away so that my future will be assured for eternity.
TV- Oh, you just can't buy your way into heaven. Besides, I need a dollar amount to put on your pledge form.
M- How about $100,000, will that be okay?
TV- PRAISE THE LORD! What is your name?
M- Ron
TV- Ron, how do you spell your last name?
M- Jesus knows my name.
TV- [after a long pause] You don't understand -- To fill out this form, I need the spelling of your full name and address.
M- Jesus knows all that, and my Social Security number and account numbers. . . I just want to eliminate the middle man -- like that guy you have jumping up and down on the stage [I had the program on mute, but I could hear the evangelist getting pretty loud in the background over the phone].
TV- Our ministry does the Lord's work.
M- I'm sure it does, but that guy doing the televangizing is going to take a big cut.
TV- Well, we have to meet expenses. Believe me, your donation will go to good causes. [this went on for awhile before he handed the phone to his supervisor].
TVTOM- What can I do for you?
M- I want to help you guys out.
TVTOM- Praise the Lord! [basically the same conversation ensued with this guy named Tom].
TOM- I know when somebody is pulling my leg.
M- But I'm serious! I want to serve the Lord and what better way is there than giving all of my possessions away and doing his work . . . as the Bible and Jesus asks. [my original objective was to tie up one of their lines -- and they could hardly hang up on me since my premise was Biblically founded].
TOM- You sound sincere in your offer [he didn't say I was crazy but I sensed his reluctant solicitation].
M- I want to give myself to Jesus, but He never calls!
TOM- you need to establish a personal relationship with Jesus.
M- What better way is there to do that then to offer everything I have?
TOM- I suggest you hang up, and then pray to Him. We will, all of us here, pray for you too.
M- Wow! I'll do that -- and if all of you pray for me, and if I see or talk to Jesus, I'll probably be calling you tomorrow night with my offer.
TOM- PRAISE THE LORD! AMEN. Now let us pray.
M- [To follow through with this, I let him mutter his short benediction. After all, if in the unlikely event Jesus did make an appearance to me in the next few hours, I didn't want Him pissed at me for this charade]. I thanked him and hung up, I'm sure to his relief.
During all of this, I watched the televangelist who rose and fell in noise level in the background of the telephone connection -- in concert with his body's animation on screen. It was like no cartoon or puppet show I'd ever seen, including the movie "TEAM AMERICA.'
I turned the volume back up to see what the fuss was all about in this last crescendo of noise -- the evangelist was beside himself to announce that someone phoned in a pledge of $20,000 to match against all donations received in the next hour. I immediately called in a pledge of $100 per month for the next twelve months. However, the same bottle neck occurred when asked for the spelling of my name, This time she handed the phone over to Tim who tried to satisfy my suspicions in a somewhat calmer manner, and with no better success. When we hung up I can only assume everyone at the station was praying for my meeting with God to take place; I was wondering myself if I was going to dream about this, fairly discounting a conscious confrontation with "My all loving Creator" who wants so much to save everybody's soul.
Tim, who had studied religion at a secular school (so as to get an independent spin on -- rational -- religion), informed me that God knew where I would spend eternity the moment I was conceived, even though I had the choice of making that decision for myself through "free will." I found that an interesting concept as I wondered just how much God was interested in saving souls from burning through eternity in Hell. Anyway, I tied up another phone line for the better part of an hour. [If you try this, don't call when your ring can be heard in the background; wait until one of those sappy religious singers come on when your phone call can't be heard.
In closing, my son and I tuned in the telethon the next night, he called their number to order a pizza while I listened to a rather somber lecture by one of the personalities. It turned out that he was explaining the nullification of all pledges during that matching one hour the night before because it had been a prank caller who had pledged the $20,000. There still is justice on this planet. Amen.
Oh, no I didn't dream of Jesus that night, and He did not appear to me personally -- so I couldn't confirm my pledge to the poor station. But they'll probably make their million anyway, just like Oral Roberts made his six million when he went on the air several years ago claiming God would really be displeased with America (and him) if those viewing didn't cough up that cash.
It's been a week now and I've had no divine visitations. I did have a dream last night that kind of supported my dastardly charade. I know dreams are usually a reflection of our thoughts and most often confirm our desired courses of action. I woke up, not surprised at this latest confirmation of support.
LOOSE CANNON (1-29-2007)
What do you get when you cross oxycotin with Rush Limbaugh?
ANSWER- An oxymoron!
(from PLAYBOY Magazine, Jan. issue)
What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?
ANSWER- Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there REALLY is a Dog.
-"BEACH BLANKET ATHEISM"
IT'S IN THE BIBLE (12-15-03)
(stolen from the Internet -- author unknown)
During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was sure he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book by book, chapter by chapter, and verse by verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, " . . . and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE AN UNQUESTIONING CHRISTIAN (11-23-03)
(stolen from the internet--author unknown)
10- You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.
9- You feel insulted and 'dehumanized' when
scientists say that people evolved from lesser life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8- You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Trinity.
7- Your face turns purple when you hear of the
'atrocities' attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God /Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in 'Exodus' and ordered the
elimination of entire ethnic groups in 'Joshua' -- including women, children, and animals!
6- You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about god sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit
impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5- You are willing to spend your life looking for
little loop-holes in the scientifically established
age of the Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by pre-historic tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a couple of generations old.!
4- You believe that the entire population of this
planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet you consider your religion the most 'tolerant' and 'loving'.
3- While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor, speaking in 'tongues,' may be all the evidence you need.
2- You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
AANNNDD>
1- You actually know a lot less than many Atheists and Agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call yourself a "Christian."
RELIGIOUS TEACHER (2-15-03)
A young woman teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Sarah had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asker her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Christian."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm an atheist."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sarah why she is an atheist.
"It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom is atheist, and my Dad is atheist, so I am atheist."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason." she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then," says Sarah, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
CATHOLIC PARROTS (2-15-03)
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them and, after a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
IT'S IN THE SEMANTICS . . .
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES--$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the same area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he decided to catch up with them -- when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."
AN ELDERLY MOMENT (12-29-02)
An elderly couple had their periodical checkup with their doctor.
The husband was called in first for review of health problems. "How is everything going with you, George?" the doctor asked.
"Very good, thanks. . . but I gotta tell you, Doc, last night I got up to pee and God turned the bathroom light on for me."
"Wow, George, that's some story. . . "
A little later, the Doctor called George's wife in for consultation, and he asked how things were going with her. "It sounds as if you are holding your own," the doctor summed up after hearing her very common complaints. "However, is George having any problems out of the ordinary?"
She replied in the negative.
"I must tell you that he thinks God may have turned the bathroom light on for him this morning."
"Oh shit," she exclaimed. "He peed in the refrigerator again."
NO REMORSE...(IS IT NURTURE OR NATURE?)
by Lorie Polansky
Despite the heresy evident in my immediate family (three out of five siblings are unabashed atheists), most of the relatives are dyed-in-the-wool Irish Catholics. The story of Emma, one of my elderly second cousins, was recently related to me.
Emma was on her deathbed. Naturally, her very pious daughter insisted on calling the parish priest to perform Extreme Unction (also called The Last Rites, and more recently the Anointing of the Sick). For those of you who are not privy to this more obscure sacrament, holy oil is applied to the sense organs of the sick and/or dying person. (Thus the blessing removes any sins committed by listening to evil, gossiping, watching pron flicks...get the idea?) If the patient is able to communicate, a good confession is a prerequisite.
There was nothing wrong with Emma's mind!
The priest asked her to make her confession, and she replied, "I'm a sick, old woman. What the hell would I have to confess?"
He urged, "Surely you have some sin for which you would like to ask forgiveness."
Emma thought it over and finally replied, "Well, I suppose some people think I swear too damned much."
"Why do you think you do that?" asked the good father.
"I'll be God-damned if I know!" she tartly answered.'
The priest finally realized he wouldn't make much headway with the intractable Emma, so he completed his mission and left her to die in peace.
WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE CHRISTIANS!
My mom clipped a Letter to the Editor from her daily paper. A man had written to say he feared his computer was an atheist because it said the Ten Commandments have no data to back them up and wouldn't let him mention the bible. This is a problem because he writes on Bible topics. I thought of refuting his theory but decided not to waste my thoughts on an obvious believer. So I thought some of you might be interested in hearing why I think computers are actually Christians.
In the beginning there was one huge, mainframe computer (The Church of Rome). Later, computers developed along two principal configurations: Macs (Catholics) or PCs (Protestants).
As we near the millennium, there are many "new and improved" processors (sects) -- each claiming to be supreme.
Before a computer can be operated, it must be programmed. Afterward, it will continue to spew forth the data that was input, much as Christians spout dogma, catechism answers and bible quotations they learned while in their formative years.
Their hard drives have limited capacity, and it is so difficult to upgrade (stretch the intellect) that most users (Christians) don't bother.
Many of their monitors are very small, which makes it hard to see the bigger picture.
[Published in Freethought Perspective, Dec.-Jan. 2000]
HAS CHRISTIANITY GONE TO THE DOGS?
by Lorie Polansky
In a recent Pickles comic strip, Opal was feeding her dog, Roscoe. Roscoe thinks, "She feeds me every day and cares for my every need! She must be a god!"
Cute -- and it made me consider how much Christians and dogs have in common. For instance:
1. They are socially dependent and benefit tremendously from forming a pack (congregation).
2. Attending Obedience School (church) helps keep them in line.
3. They easily feel and act guilty.
4. Choke collars (Commandments) are absolutely necessary for some of them.
5. They do good in hope of Milk Bones (Heaven).
6. They avoid misbehavior for fear of correction (Hell).
7. They are firm believers in the benefit of begging (praying).
8. No matter how demeaning the request of the master (god), they will humbly comply to show their submission.
Do I have something here? Is this a radical psychological/sociological idea? At any rate, I have representatives of both groups among friends and family and find they make excellent companions -- as long as you understand their nature!
CATS ARE FREETHINKERS!
As the comic strip continued, Opal fed Muffin, her white cat. Muffin looked at Opal and opined, "She feeds me every day and cares for my every need. I must be a god!"
1. Cats and freethinkers are independent by nature. It is not that they are antisocial, but they do not need constant approval of their peers in order to live happily.
2. Have you ever seen obedience school for cats? Or a freethought "church" where you are told what to think?
3. Cats and freethinkers do not easily suffer guilt. Their moral code is intrinsic. For the most part, they naturally do the right thing.
4. Cats and freethinkers live in the here and now, savoring their existence rather than anticipating celestial reward (the "nine lives" theory and eternity notwithstanding).
5. Both may demand their due (meals for cats; constitutional rights for freethinkers -- but they will not grovel for it!
6. Cats and freethinkers will not accept lords or masters. They are their own gods!
Some of you may not like cats. You may have a deep-seated prejudice. But remember that freethinkers break the chains of negative and outdated notions. Give cats a chance. They are really a lot like us!
[Published in Freethought Perspective, June 1999]
BRIDES OF CHRIST:
"Goin' to the Chapel and we're gonna get married"
On March 2, 2001, the religion section of the Altoona Mirror carried an AP article entitled, "Women become consecrated virgins in rare Catholic rite." It related the stories of two New York women preparing for the Solemn Rite of Consecration of Virgins for Women Living in the World. Bishop Thomas Daily of the Brooklyn diocese performed the ceremony on January 28.
As Dave Barry always disclaims, I swear I am not making this up! There are nearly 50 such women in the U. S. convent life does not interest them, but the idea of being brides of Christ does. (While the rest of us women drool over Harrison ford or Gabriel Byrne, these gals have a loftier leading man in mind!)
Fear of intimacy with flesh-and-blood men, fueled by years of brainwashing by priests and nuns, has incapacitated these women emotionally and physically. It is deplorable that the Catholic Church has fed their delusion with a pretend-marriage, complete with white bridal gowns and gold bands for their fingers.
Well, they've made their beds; now they must lie in them, as my grandmother often admonished me in my impressionable years. So let's try to view their new status with a bit of humor.
I had never before considered Jesus as husband material, so this article was the cause for speculation. For instance, if Jesus were to run a personal ad, it might read like this:
"SM (age 33 and holding) seeks as many chaste women as possible for serious, long-term relationships. (Certificates of Virgo Intact a must!) I have long brown hair, a beard, and soulful brown eyes. I wear my heart on my robe. I am self-employed. My hobbies include fishing (I catch, you clean), wine-making, and just "hanging around."
How would Jesus rate as a husband, and what would such a union be like? I offer these observations to my less worldly sisters who are considering such a relationship:
Jesus is the ultimate polygamist -- having been married to all the nuns of the past and present, and now to consecrated virgins. No wonder the Mormons (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) named their religion for him! So be prepared to share!
When your hubby does have a bit of leisure time, he will prefer to spend it drinking and hobnobbing with the guys.
You will continue to attend social functions alone. Unless friends and family are as religious as you, they will suspect he is a figment of your imagination!
His only female friend is a prostitute, but don't worry; it's a strictly platonic relationship!
If you run low on groceries, Jesus will gladly multiply the items in your freezer, pantry and liquor cabinet! He loves to entertain large, impromptu parties.
Although he is a carpenter, don't expect him to work on your projects for the home. He is more concerned with his Father's many celestial mansions. With the ever-growing population of Heaven, there's a lot of new construction and rehabbing of the old.
Your mother-in-law will be the bane of your existence! All his life, Jesus was told how perfect Mom is, so how could you ever live up to such a role model? Mary was so damned pure that the only one who ever got into her knickers was a horny ghost (OOPS! I mean "Holy" Ghost). Surely you don't think she'll ever consider you, a mere mortal born with Original Sin on your soul, to be good enough for her son?
I wonder if there is a category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders that covers neuroses such as this one? Wait! Maybe these ladies aren't so crazy after all: this man will never desert, divorce or widow them! No toothpaste caps to replace, discarded clothes to pick up and toilet lids to put down. Interested virgins, please call 1-800-DIOCESE or check out the website:
www:mrschrist.com
Updated as time allows - new material at top
