GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He/She/It asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
____ Newspaper
____ Bible
____ Torah
____ Book of Mormon
____ Other Book
____ Television
____ Divine inspiration
____ Word of mouth
____ Dead Sea Scrolls
____ Near Death Experience
____ Near Life Experience
____ National Public Radio
____ Tabloid
____ Burning Shrubbery
____ Who?
____ Other (specify): __________________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

____ Y**w*h
____ Jehovah
____ Allah
____ Just plain God
____ Krishna
____ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
____ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
____ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
____ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
____ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working Order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
____ Yes ____ No

If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.


Please indicate all that apply:
____ Not eternal
____ Not omniscient
____ Not omnipotent
____ Finite in space/does not appear to occupy or inhabit the entire universe
____ Permits sex outside of marriage
____ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
____ Makes mistakes (see Ronald Reagan, George Bush)
____ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
____ Requires burnt offerings
____ Requires virgin sacrifices
____ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply:
____ Indoctrinated by parents
____ Needed a reason to live
____ Indoctrinated by society
____ Indoctrinated by a cult
____ Needed target for rage
____ Imaginary friend grew up
____ Hate to think for self
____ Wanted to meet girls/boys
____ Fear of death
____ To piss off parents
____ Needed a day away from work
____ Enjoy organ music
____ Needed to focus on whom to despise
____ Needed to feel morally superior
____ Graduated from the Tooth Fairy
____ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

____ Self-help books
____ Tarot, Astrology
____ Star Trek re-runs
____ Fortune cookies
____ Ann Landers
____ Psychic Friends Network
____ Dianetics
____ Playboy and/or Playgirl
____ Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll
____ Biorhythms
____ EST/Landmark
____ The Plan
____ Television
____ Mantras
____ Jimmy Swaggart
____ Crystals
____ Wandering around in desert
____ Burning shrubbery
____ Other: ____________________

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
____ Odin
____ Cthulhu
____ Lottery
____ Baal
____ Beelzebub
____ The Almighty Dollar
____ The Liberal Left
____ The Conservative Right
____ Mick Jagger
____ Bill Gates
____ The Great Pumpkin
____ Ronald Reagan
____ Mushrooms
____ Other: _____________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one.)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate, on a scale of 1 (unsatisfactory) to 5 (excellent), God's handling of the following:
Disasters
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Liberal Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 (unsatisfactory) to 5 (excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?


Thank you! Your opinion counts.


Altoona's more than prominent fundamentalist preacher, the right, reverend Very Dull, has been heard in sermon expounding, that ". . . unless you have received Jesus Christ as your own personal savior, you are very likely to experience marital, economical, mental and emotional distress in daily living." So then why do we find his statement funny? Because all the atheists, agnostics and freethinkers that we know are far from any of the above circumstances, and are very happy relative to the bickering troglodytes.

We say what a CROCK! Nothing fails better than prayer! Look at the Muslims who publicly pray five times a day, and they are the most crapped upon, destitute culture on Earth. We suppose that fact isn't funny, but when preachers who are running out of material (and millenniums) have nothing else to say -- what do you expect?